For the first time in years, I feel excited about my birthday for a different reason.
It used to be the surprises, cakes, dinners, online wishes (though there’s nothing wrong with that and I’d still appreciate one lol). Now I do more reflection than I ever did on my birthdays.
I held myself down so often I forgot how it feels to just let go and live in the present.
Not so long ago, someone asked me. Why do I always seem to be somewhere else? Why do I look tired all the time? Why can’t I be more present?
I dismissed those questions and usually responded with a sigh. Maybe it’s just the way I am, I murmured.
Nope. There was something going on and one thing for sure, I’ve lost my appetite completely. I found my favorite dish no longer mouthwatering, I had no hobbies. I hated retail therapy because I kept on buying things I didn’t even like. I complained a lot and that was…so annoying. (Hands down to those who have put up with my shit these days—you know who you are.)
I wanted to live my dream life and I expected it would magically happen one day. So I waited for that day. For years.
One day, I thought I would finally be really happy with myself, with everything that I do and don’t have.
One day, I thought I would’ve figured my passion, my soulmate, my life altogether.
One day, I thought I would feel more alive than ever.
But that day would never come, because it has to be created.
How could I expect the universe to conspire to realize a dream that doesn’t even exist?
I had lived in fears. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of change. I wouldn’t even dare to imagine what my dream life looks like, leave alone making it happen.
I once wrote on my LinkedIn headline, “My dream is to help others achieve theirs” which sounds so altruistic for a recruiting job. Little did I know that I was the one who needed that help, badly.
To this day, I still have those fears. They live in my mind rent-free, telling me things I can’t and shouldn’t do. I wish I could kick them out right here right now along with those emotional baggage and old wounds I have, but instead, I try to focus on things I can and should do.
Even with the fears, I will do the things anyway. I will write down my dreamiest dreams like never before.
I believe there’s always room for everyone, for anyone who dares to dream beyond their doubts. Things will happen at the right time to the right person for God knows purpose.
You get attract what you deserve. Sky isn’t the limit. Your mind, is. Be prepared to receive the good things. Feel deserving of the good things. Acknowledge your small wins. You earned every single one of it.
Sending love and best wishes to you. Thank you for allowing me to share thoughts with you. Oh and happy new year!
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