Freedom

Am I running towards or running away from?

I asked myself this lingering question as I held his hand tight. We were strolling around the neighborhood, finding a cafe to hop into. My body was there but my mind was wandering God knows where. Everything felt so unfamiliarly familiar. I tried to look for a sign of fight-or-flight mode but none in sight.

Could I possibly feel so uneasily safe? How?

It was everything I ever wanted. The easy dates. I didn’t have to act or speak a certain way. We had nothing but moments filled with laughters as if time didn’t matter. Most days we had either plans or no plans but would be just fine. We had all the time in the world together.

But was it really all? Anything I missed?

He noticed my silence and held my hand even tighter.

“Are you okay? You seem quiet.” I nodded and let go of his hand. I needed to breathe, literally and figuratively.

“You don’t have to decide on anything right now,” he murmured as we stopped walking. We stood there for a couple minutes until I watched the storm pass by and my mind began thinking more clearly.

“Thank you for waiting,” I smiled.

“Of course. Take your time, we’ll go whenever you’re ready,” he looked at me in the eye. “I’m here. No rush.”

And just like that, I freed myself from my own prison.

Freedom is more than just a sense. It is a permission to walk at any pace, to express any concerns, to give any thoughts and feelings a space; given by ourselves.

Some days you can give yourself a great booster, other days you need a little more than that, and that’s okay.

More often than not, a little reassurance and a cup of iced coffee would do.