It was one hell of a night with a good friend of mine.
He had a bottle of abidin all to himself while I sat there in silence, watching him take a sip by sip. He noticed that I looked pretty uptight and came up with an idea.
“Let’s play a game. Tell 10 impressions of each other. I’ll start.”
Now he caught my attention.
“I have witnessed you grow up in the past ten years or more, so hear me out.
De, you overthink very much. VERY MUCH I can’t stress this enough. I know some overthinkers but they ain’t like you. Sometimes you became… obsessed with control and you ended up doing impulsive things. Maybe you grew tired of overthinking then just be like, screw it, let’s go ahead anyway.
Back in high school, people acknowledged you as a pretty, cool girl. You knew what you liked and what you didn’t. You came from a privileged background but that didn’t really affect the way you chose your friends. Now, in front of me, I see the same Dea. You’re the same Dea but with new mindset here and there.
You have a knack for people in general, but when it comes to relationships, I gotta say that you have a rather questionably awful taste in men. You settled for people who didn’t respect you, who didn’t see you for you.
Remember when I told you that I sort of interviewed that X guy you dated?
I asked him what he liked the most about you and his response was like, I don’t know, she is smart, you tell me. What the hell was that? He didn’t even like you for your personality and that, your personality, is what your friends like about you. And he didn’t know that, he didn’t care about that, he didn’t even bother to get to know you on a deeper level.
Maybe he thought your outlook and general appearance was more than enough. Then you got confused when you figured that he wasn’t the person whom you thought he was or whom he could be. He’s been so full of himself all along and you refused to see him for himself, too.
Was it all you wanted? A nice-looking one to bring to your friends and family? A trophy boyfriend?
I think love is about giving.
Your relationship with Y makes a great example. I understand that you two were in a difficult situation, but he gave everything to you, and I think that was love, while all you focused on was the pain and price you had to pay for the relationship. He did the work to love you because he loved you and he didn’t expect you to return his love because he knew it was hard, so he chose to continue to love you, from afar.
You always tried to control your life. You wanted to make sure everything runs perfectly despite knowing that you couldn’t. You dressed up nicely even when you were just out with us, your closest friends.
You always aimed to look perfect and that is something I should tell you about: It’s okay to not always look or be your best. Your people will love you still.
You aren’t your parents. They had their reasons to do things but I know you will make different, better choices for yourself. You have that power in you and no matter what, always, always choose yourself first.”
I never got the chance to take my turn because the game ended as I shed my tears. He drove me home and we only exchanged a few words. I contemplated everything he said. He gave me nothing but a boozy truth.
It was a lot, but exactly what I needed to hear. A loving reminder to revisit my path and reclaim my long lost power to navigate my life.
You can only go further once you feel enough with what you have right now. You can’t take more if you don’t have any more space.
Thus, in order to receive, you have to let go. Don’t stand at the door.
What is meant for you will find its way. Trust your intuition. Be rational, but also allow your heart to take the driver’s seat. The head reasons, but the heart absorbs the lessons.